" With this, I dismissed the subject
to think of Emily, whose residence was now in sight.
I arrived at ---- Hall, was kindly received and welcomed by both
father and daughter; but on this visit, I must not dwell. When I
reflect on it, I hate myself and human nature! Could I be trusted? yet
I inspired unbounded confidence. Was I not as vicious as one of my
age could be? Yet I made them believe I was almost perfection. Did I
deserve to be happy? Yet I was so, and more so than I had ever been
before or ever have been since. I was like the serpent in Eden, though
without his vile intentions. Beauty and virtue united to keep my
passions in subjection. When they had nothing to feed on, they
concealed themselves in the inmost recesses of my bosom.
Had I remained always with Emily, I should have been reclaimed; but
when I quitted her, I lost all my good feelings and good resolutions;
not, however, before the bright image of virtue had lighted up in
my bosom a holy flame which has never been entirely extinguished.
Occasionally dimmed, it has afterwards burnt up with renewed
brightness; and, as a beacon-light, has often guided me through perils
that might have overwhelmed me.
Compelled at last to quit this earthly paradise, I told her, at
parting, that I loved her, adored her; and to prove that I was in
earnest, and that she believed me, I obtained a lock of her hair. When
I left ---- Hall, it was my intention to have joined my ship, as I had
agreed with my father; but the temptation to follow up my success with
the fair and unfortunate Eugenia was too strong to be resisted; at
least I thought so, and therefore hardly made an effort to conquer it.
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